Confessions of an "E-Girl"

I've been thinking about this post and how to approach it for quite a while now. I'm a little bit afraid of how it will be received, but I hope that you all can keep an open mind as I try to be as real with you as I possibly can be.

One of the questions I get asked most often when I have Q&A's is "Why do you have an OnlyFans?" The answer to that isn't exactly black and white, and it's not as simple as "for the money," either, although that's definitely part of it. I mean, with the popularity of that platform, I'd be kind of stupid not to use it as an extra source of income.

When I first started my OF, I was making parody content, and people were regularly making Discord servers and subreddits dedicated to photoshopping the clothes out of my Instagram pictures. When I started doing professional photoshoots, I figured OF would be a good place to share the ones I wasn't necessarily comfortable sharing on other platforms, and there was clearly a demand for that kind of content so I decided to monetize it.

The process of reaching that point wasn't super easy for me, but doing boudoir photoshoots and receiving positive feedback was definitely a huge factor for me because it was a massive confidence boost at my absolute lowest point.

I spent 3 years of my life under someone else's thumb. I had to fit the mold of what another person's following and friends wanted me to be. My entire life revolved around them and their content. I was controlled financially and emotionally, and my self-esteem was constantly under attack by repeated infidelity, narcissistic abuse, and the internet in general. When that relationship ended suddenly and unexpectedly, I felt trapped. I was left alone in a house I didn't technically have any claim to with no clear path out because I didn't have the ability to focus as much on my own career as I would have liked before that point. I didn't feel supported in what I was doing, even though I fell into the world of streaming and social media at the encouragement of the person who eventually turned on me. It was difficult to pick myself up, but I knew I needed a way out and I was not about to give the other party any more reasons to trash me, as I'd learned they had been doing for a very long time. That's when I initially made the decision to take OF more seriously. I had no idea what I was doing, but I knew I needed to do something.

I've had a rollercoaster of a journey with OnlyFans. I struggled with feeling that I was betraying some of the values I'd been raised with, I struggled with my confidence, and I struggled with feeling like I was objectifying myself. But the longer I stuck with the platform, the more I started to just...not care. I'm not hurting anyone. I'm not putting myself in danger, and growing my following there has provided me with financial security. I don't have to worry about anyone but myself anymore, I've met so many incredible people, and I've learned so much about myself just by having the confidence to embrace all parts of myself, including my sexuality.

That said, I still wouldn't necessarily recommend being on OF to just anyone. You have to have thick skin, confidence, and a very solid understanding of yourself as a person to survive there. But I believe that's pretty true of being on social media as a career in general. And while OnlyFans has changed my life in so many positive ways, it has also made certain aspects more difficult.

Being in the public eye, on any platform, opens the door for extreme opinion and judgment. You will be judged not only by complete strangers, but also by friends, family (especially family), and pretty much anyone who just doesn't understand the concept or why it's something that might appeal to you. On top of the conflict it can cause within your inner circle on an extremely personal level, dating can feel absolutely impossible.

People outside of the social media industry tend to be less understanding, and because of that, more judgmental about someone utilizing OF. When I meet someone new, I'm always very up front about what I do and I don't try to hide any of the platforms I'm on. A lot of people will say they're alright with that or don't have an issue with it, but the more time passes, the more I begin to realize that it makes them insecure or that my lifestyle isn't one they can mesh with. And that's fine. I would never force someone into a situation they're not comfortable being in, but I'd be lying if I said it wasn't disappointing sometimes.

On the alternative side of that, trying to meet people in a romantic capacity within the social media industry also feels impossible. People on social media as a career are generally more accepting and understanding of OnlyFans, but it's insanely hard to find someone who will remain faithful when the internet has provided them with what seems like infinite options. It feels like they're always just waiting for the next best thing, so they either won't commit, or they'll pretend to want a relationship and then end up cheating. I've seen it over and over and over again with friends, and I've experienced it more than once myself.

That being said, I've reached a point in my life where I feel like I'm willing to give relationships a chance again (and I don't say that lightly after everything I went through during and after my last relationship), but I don't feel like I need one. I understand that the right person will meet me with an open mind and will be honest about their boundaries. If that person comes along, that's great. But I'm not in a hurry and I know that I don't need anyone financially, emotionally, or otherwise. It hasn't been easy getting here. I've had a lot of therapy sessions, a lot of long nights and dark days, and I've had to let go of so much heartache and harassment.

Despite the ups and downs, I'm happy to be here. I don't regret my decision to dive into the world of OnlyFans and I don't feel ashamed of it anymore. I'm extremely fortunate to be in a position that allows me to carefully choose who I allow in my circle, and I have the ability to really do whatever I want while continuing to work on myself and figure out where my place is in the world of the internet. I work hard and strive to be the best version of myself every day, and I know that choosing a spicier platform to be involved with doesn't diminish my worth, intelligence, or ability to be loved.