Being Real

I just announced to the world of Instagram that I'm having cosmetic work done and, honestly, it feels nice.

Being real with y'all can be a little scary sometimes because there is always going to be at least one person with something negative or hurtful to say. Even though I already know this, it somehow doesn't hurt less to get shitty messages or comments, especially when I'm having a good day or feeling good about myself. That being said, I also know that for every one turd person who feels the need to smear their poo on everything, there will be one hundred supportive people to back me up, and that's pretty awesome.

Anyway, a lot of people want to know the basics: what? why? who? (or alternatively, who the fuck cares?)

For the curious ones, I had lip injections, botox to smooth the skin in my forehead and help mask a scar leftover from brain surgery, and I'm scheduled for a breast augmentation on June 8.

But Kaley, WHY?!

Well...because I can. Yep. That's really it. It's not for anyone but me, though Cody says the boobs are for him, too.

I recognize that I'm a self-conscious person and that I'm probably too hard on myself. I also recognize that I've been guilty of scrolling through Instagram and thinking, "Damn, I wish I looked like that." Is it good for me to do that? Not really. Is it human? 100%.

I kind of started on this path of self-improvement recently because I realized that I owe it to myself, Cody, and John to be my best self, and that includes doing things that make me happy. It also includes actually doing something about the "damn, I wish I looked like that" syndrome I've been so guilty of.

I got a personal trainer and started exercising more instead of wishing I could be in better shape. (Before you roll your eyes, I still suck at being consistent and a fitness guru I am not.) I started eating better, even though I cheat often. I stopped bitching about my skin being dry and actually started on a consistent skin care routine like an adult. I stopped wondering why I always had to fight with my hair and started taking better care of it.

But these are all image-based things so I'll do you one better.

I realized some of my deepest personal flaws and started working on changing or accepting unhealthy behaviors. I listened to several audiobooks about communication and mindfulness (I'll link those at the end), and I started to figure out why my relationship felt so rocky and uncertain.

Once everything started to fall into place and I began seeing real changes from the work I was putting in, I decided it's ok to also do things JUST for me. That's when I opened up my laptop and took the deep dive into researching plastic surgeons in my area. It's something I'd looked into in the past, but never super seriously because the thought of making a permanent change to my body (no matter how much I might want it) seemed daunting.

Soooo, I looked and looked and looked and looked at before and after galleries, board certifications, every medical AND non-medical review website I could find, and finally chose a surgeon. (I'm practically a boob expert now.) I had to have a virtual consultation with him before we could meet in person thanks to the 'Rona, which meant I had to take very unflattering topless pictures and submit them online and then video chat with a perfect stranger about them. I made a lot of really awkward small talk.

My surgeon was incredibly reassuring and put me at ease right away, helping me make educated decisions about how we would proceed and what we could discuss further at a personal appointment.

My in-person appointment ended up becoming my pre-op appointment because I guess not everyone is chomping at the bit to get boobs right now, so they were able to schedule my procedure pretty quickly. It was every bit as awkward as my consultation, except this time I had Cody in the room while the surgeon took 3D pictures of my boobs and his assistant measured me. I also found out one of my nipples is slightly higher than the other. I could've lived without that piece of information because now I can't stop asking Cody if I just have horrifically deformed boobs and he never told me.

At the end of the day, this whole process has happened very quickly, but it's also been a long time coming because this is something I've wanted for 10 years. Am I nervous? Fuck yeah. I'm already hardly able to sleep because I keep browsing cosmetic surgery galleries and picking out the boobs I would want and giving myself major anxiety over the boobs I wouldn't want. I even got to see a 3D generated image of what mine should look like after everything is all said and done and I can't even remember what they looked like but Cody says it was "REALLY GOOD" with a lot of emphasis, so I'll just have to take his word for it...

I know that I will feel much more confident having this procedure done. Femininity does not have to equate to curves or anything like that at all, but personally, I feel less feminine and sexy having to constantly fight with what I've got to make even the slightest bit of cleavage and looking like a little boy in a low cut top kind of sucks. I understand that not everyone will agree with me on this and that a lot of people think I should just accept myself as I am.

If you're one of those people, I absolutely applaud you for being able to embrace your body fully and I honestly wish I could carry that kind of self-love with me in my pocket all the time. But I'm working on that with the rest of my personal laundry list and I WILL get there; it's just going to take a little more time...and having boobs won't hurt.


For those of you interested in the audiobooks I've been listening to, just click on the images and you'll be taken to some additional information about them.